For those that stumble upon this blog , I am writing for the sole purpose of documenting what I am going through from being in the throes of Adderall addiction to ultimately kicking it in the fucking head. I am not concerned with blog views or any other metrics that might be used to measure the “quality” of a blog. That is not my purpose. And to those that it is, more power to you. As a result, this blog will not be quite as pristine or “polished” because this is as fucking REAL as it gets. (insert smiley face emoji to ensure that readers are not scared away.)
At this point I have been completely off of Adderall for somewhere around 2 months. I will say that I am still far from being the person that I was before taking it. I look back and remember who I was, what I was capable of, and it has become very clear to me that all I ever needed to be in life was “myself”. I don’t need Adderall to increase my focus and help with ADD, instead, I need to embrace the ADD and utilize it as a part of my character, of “who I fucking am”. I have realized that it is in fact not a weakness, but instead, one very powerful part of my personality that needs to be harnessed and properly utilized.
At this point, I am feeling completely unmotivated and uninspired. From the research that I’ve done this appears to be due to the effect that Adderall had on dopamine receptors and dopamine production in my brain. This is one of the chemicals that has a major impact on our overall mood and whether we feel relaxed, happy, and satisfied with life. Right now I am struggling with feeling relaxed, happy, and satisfied with anything in my life. To anyone out there reading this that is contemplating quitting Adderall, don’t fret, this is a part of the overall “process” and is ultimately a necessary evil. At least by reading this you will know what to expect.
If my doctor had provided me with documentation stating what I would experience while on Adderall and what would happen to me if I were to decide to quit it, I don’t believe that I would have taken it to begin with. I’m not one to place blame on others, and I hold myself completely responsible, but damn, people being prescribed this need to know exactly what they are getting into. This shit is no joke. And yes, I like to fucking cuss in my blog, I work as an IT systems engineer and I need some type of release where I can let loose and let me be ME. I am a fucking animal at heart, and a very big heart at that. But on a professional level I have to subdue all of the tattoos, piercings, and my love of all things metal/rebellious.
I digress. Let’s get back on track, shall we? I feel lazy, stupid, and unorganized. Three things that I NEVER, NEVER, NEVER felt prior to taking Adderall. Again, I have reached the 2 month mark of being free of this shit. I want you, the reader, to know what happens to people that go through this. And for what it’s worth, I work in a professional job making +$120K per year. I am not arrogant, rather, I mention this to put this in perspective that it doesn’t fucking matter who you are or how much you earn. Adderall will make you feel like a god and in the end it will tear you down and make you wish you never knew it existed. That, my friend, is the cold hard truth. It is a powerful medicine that can be ugly and deceiving. I did work very hard to get to this point in my life, and Adderall has played absolutely no part in getting me to where I am now. I have the same job that I’ve held prior to and during my Adderall days. I’ll say it again ladies and gentlemen, FUCK ADDERALL. (insert another smiley face emoji, perhaps a wincing smiley emoji to lighten the impact and ensure that readers don’t get scared away.)
I know that going back to Adderall is not, and will not ever be the answer. From what I understand about this process that I am currently going through I am at the point where my brain is healing. My brain is recovering from the damage done by Adderall. All I can do is wait for my brain to recover and my dopamine levels to return to normal. In the meantime I still push myself to exercise as much as possible, or rather, whenever I can push myself enough to be in the mood to exercise.
I have rediscovered music. This includes playing guitar, which has been a part of my life for about 25 years. I LOVE music. I have a deep passion for it. My true love is metal and I am reconnecting with it. I’ll let you in to my life a bit, I love NIN (if you have to Google that I feel sorry for you), Trivium, As I Lay Dying, Pantera, Slayer, Fear Factory, Sepultura, Dream Theater, etc. Heavy and aggressive music reverberates with me like no other music does (except for outlaw country – Waylon, Johnny, and Merle). I have realized that part of the process of defeating Adderall, and recovering from the destruction that it has caused, is to begin rediscovering and rebuilding the person that you were, are, and will be. Go back to your roots my friend. Remember WHAT makes you who you are. Remember what you love. Rediscover and reconnect with those things.
Being unmotivated and lazy is not “me” at all. This is frustrating to say the least, but no matter what, I will take my life back. I will become again the man that I once was. For those out there facing this, or preparing for this battle, know that it is not impossible. Be prepared to be patient, persistent, and strong. Settle for nothing but victory. Pain is weakness leaving the body. Nothing will control you. Rediscover yourself and who you are.
“I feel there’s no place left to hide
From myself, I am left behind
Drowning in slow motion”